‘Twas Hubris Led Me Here,’ Thinks Naked Woman Sitting On Public Toilet With Romper Around Her Ankles
PROVIDENCE, RI—Realizing the depths of her mistake far too late, local woman Alicia Cohen quietly admitted to herself, “Twas hubris led me here,” as she sat naked on a public toilet with her romper around her ankles, sources said Wednesday. “What hath my conceit wrought but ruin as I sit naked and discomfited upon this most unclean privy,” said Cohen, shivering upon the women’s restroom toilet with her one-piece garment pooled at her feet. “Vanity’s fool am I! Brought low as dust by folly, low as the once fine fabric that now lies crumpled before mine eyes.” At press time, Cohen was cursing a broken shoe heel and the “credulous newborn babe undone by faith foul misplaced in an outlet mall.”
U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend
ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.
The Defense Department, which has acknowledged six such incidents in the past year alone, said the updated protocols would be implemented at all domestic military installations, eliminating the security flaws that currently allow any building housing an extraterrestrial to be accessed by a scrawny kid whose friends convince him to squeeze through the ventilation shaft. The new directives also reportedly prohibit checkpoint guards from waving through 12-year-olds who pull up in their mom’s station wagon, display their older brother’s driver’s license, and claim to be catering a party for the base commander.
“The fact that we’ve allowed young children to escape with highly classified alien life forms this many times is an embarrassment, frankly.”
“Somehow, these top-level security breaches keep happening, so we’re putting tougher safeguards in place to stop our most sensitive assets from falling into the hands of troublemaking youths,” Pentagon spokesperson Col. Graham Stevens said of the plucky children who, relying on nothing but their wits, determination, and a few homemade gadgets, have repeatedly managed to hoodwink the most powerful military on earth to set free a beloved alien buddy… Continue reading
Man Reflecting On Where He Went Wrong In Life To Deserve Worst-Looking Chocolate Chip Muffin At Coffee Shop
SAN FRANCISCO—Musing aloud about what he must have done for things to turn out the way they did, local man Kyle Swarz told reporters Wednesday he was reflecting on where he went wrong in life to deserve the worst-looking chocolate chip muffin at his neighborhood coffee shop. “I just wonder what I could have done differently to avoid being that guy who winds up with the smallest muffin in the display case,” said Swarz, adding that maybe it was his tone of voice when he ordered or some other symptom of his general inability to assert himself when asking for things he wants that led to his receiving the substandard baked good, which was slightly misshapen and had three chocolate chips at most. “Or could it go back even further? If I had never listened to my father and had continued to paint instead of going to business school, would I still be in this place holding a dry, lopsided chocolate chip muffin? Maybe it was moving to the West Coast, and if I’d stayed in New York, I would have become the kind of person who walks into a coffee shop, looks a barista in the eye, and walks out with a delectable treat that is everything he hoped it would be.” At press time, Swarz stated that he finally knew where everything had started to go wrong for him, and that he was certain he would start getting better chocolate chip muffins as soon as he called his ex from a decade ago to “make things right.”
Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation
FLORENCE, SC—Silently lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation when he chose to have a full order of barbecue chicken wings with extra sauce for lunch, 32-year-old Eddie Schubert sat napkinless and alone at his kitchen table on Friday, staring in disbelief at his grease-covered fingers as he realized that he was trapped in a prison of his own creation. “Oh no, what have I done,” said a visibly distraught Schubert as he scanned the room in vain for any kind of tissue or paper towel that would free him from his cage of sticky sauce currently rendering his hands completely useless. “I forged these shackles myself, and I am paying the harsh consequences for my foolish recklessness. My only options now are to attempt escape with nothing but my own wits to help me or simply give up and perish.” At press time, Schubert made the ultimate sacrifice, wiping his hands onto his favorite pair of jeans, and gained back his freedom.
English Teacher Already Armed With Deadly Weapon Called Shakespeare
CHAMBERSBURG, PA—As the national debate surrounding school shootings continues with President Trump recently suggesting educators carry guns in the classroom, high school English teacher Mary Bacher told reporters Thursday that she was already armed with a deadly weapon called Shakespeare. “There’s nothing more lethal than the razor-sharp wit of the great Bard of Avon,” said Bacher, noting that when it comes to defense, she is “locked and loaded” with the devastating free verse found in the 37 plays and 154 sonnets of the late 16th century English playwright and poet. “His works have brought the great to their knees, and even the most heavily armored of hearts cannot withstand the penetrating insight and incandescent passion of his mellifluous sonnets. To wield the power of one of the greatest minds in history, I don’t need a concealed carry license—just access to his arsenal of high-caliber words.” Bacher confirmed that if she were in an active shooter situation, she would merely quote Henry V’s “St. Crispin’s Day” speech aloud to her students to give them courage and instill confidence that the pen is truly mightier than the sword.
The Misogyny Interwoven Into Our Patriarchal Society Harms Men, Too
by Andrew Tate
When we talk about the damaging consequences of sexism, we usually focus on the effects it has on women and girls, but as someone with a certain level of real-world expertise in this particular field, I can tell you that the misogyny interwoven into our patriarchal society harms men, too.
While the patriarchy may reinforce structural violence against women by projecting discriminatory gender roles, I’m also suffering in a Romanian prison cell for human trafficking because the general structure of the world I was brought up in allowed and encouraged me to dehumanize women and gave me the entitlement to manipulate and use them for my own gain.
I’m a victim, too.
It took my own incarceration to make me realize that the patriarchy’s demand for men to embody the “masculine” traits of aggression, physical strength, subjugation of women, total self-sufficiency, and a win-at-any-cost mentality has negative effects on men as well. Because, when you sit there and think about it, what drives a man to tweet at a young climate change activist about the 33 supercars he owns, which then indirectly leads to his arrest? Is it our nature? Our biology? Our own twisted thoughts, marketed to men who want to hear their desperation echoed on a larger, for-profit platform?
No, I blame the patriarchy…. Continue reading